Sunday Morning Smorgasbord --- Srambled to Go ...

Safety Tips for those daring to patronize the San Francisco Zoo. Since the same police, who earlier said the boys did not taunt the late great Tatiana (aka: Siberian Tiger), are now saying, no, they did, be warned: DO NOT TAUNT THE WILD ANIMALS OF S.F. as they (Tatiana and others) have been known to escape confinement. I was about to suggest, if anything, that you throw kisses to the beautiful beasts, but if you are not their type, they might claim sex harassment and still come after you... Keep in mind that Ms. T. also ravaged the arm of her zoo keeper (resulting in another lawsuit), who was not, to my limited knowledge, taunting the tiger. Perhaps throwing a kiss? Or sharing a Yoga moment?

Anybody out there lately killed by a circus animal? I can’t recall. Notes the Savvy Insider, “There are more people killed and injured in accidents involving horses every week in this country than in all of the circus elephant incidents going back a hundred and fifty years." Trust the gods of our battered big tops, you are safer on their PC-despised midways ... Carson & Barnes, Ringling, Kelly-Miller, New Cole — we who have yet to see the light still love you ...

Police Not Welcome, Not Just Yet... About those early reports of the SF police rushing out to the zoo and being refused immediate admittance by zoo officials, now comes this: On a KGO radio talk show, a real policeman stated, yes, zoo people tried holding us back, but we said, “Screw you, we’re going in.” And to that, I say Bravo! ... I’d like that same policeman to tell PETA’s ridiculously irrelevant Ingrid Newkirk about the same thing... Newkirk and her miserable like are now trying to have Catholic priest George “Jerry” Hogan banned from the big top. He is accused of supporting “animal abuse.” A slew of angry comments left on the Boston Herald’s website express disgust with PETA. “My family is having a lobster BOIL tonight” ... “HO HO Ho. Next year all my PETA kids are getting big rats from Santa. HO HO HO>” ... “I’m so sick of all these animals rights activists spewing their crap over every little thing.” ... Even a “Cow” wrote in, “Chill, Peta. I’m just a cow. No one cares. Not even me.” ... Excuse me, World, while I throw up ...

Speaking of crap, I’ve had it with movie monsters, just having suffered the career sadism of two perfectly despicable spoil sports — first, Mr. Sweeney Todd, the Fleet Street barber; now, oil man Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood, played by Daniel Day-Lewis. Long long movie pushing the man’s savage anti-human nature over the top, left me wishing I could treat him to a deluxe haircut in Mr. Todd’s Barber Shop ... Never have I so wanted so to see a villain blown to smithereens. But, who am I? The critics are mostly raving ...

Tibbals Trumps Ringling in Sarasota. Howard Tibbals, the circus museum’s sugar daddy whose name is now all over the place, is the star of a recent New York Times travel piece on Circus City, “36 Hours in Sarasota, Fla” Poor old John Ringling, who just wanted to build and share an art museum, might be wanting to hire a hit man out of his grave. Writes the Times’ Paul Schneider, “But the main event is the Howard Bros. Circus, a miniature model of Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus.” You were asking for paintings? Oh, heck, maybe some other day for those. Just inside the new and improved front gate, you can forget all about art and take in “the Greatest Historical Installation on Earth.” ... which makes me recall, a bit squeamish, a ride through the grounds in the auto of Henry Ringling North, just after my lucky interview with his brother, John. Mr. Henry wanted to take a look at the grounds before he dropped me off at my old and unimproved budget motel. As we slowly cruised past the older and better circus museum (the one that contained the backyard exhibit), HRN said, “that never should have been built.” .... I said not a word, sensing his unease. ... Really, I wanted to scream out, THEY NEVER SHOULD HAVE TORN DOWN THAT FANTASTIC BACKYARD EXHIBIT!

Cry, Clown, Cry ... Those anti-circus Brits are now claiming a new study shows that kids do not like clowns. Haven’t we heard this before? Like, how many — a total of two percent? Some report being scared of them, so why not simply another drug fix for that from our friendly medical-pharmaceutical industrial complex? .... By the way, are these the same kids, may I ask, who watch movies about homicidal hair stylists and hateful oil men? The same kids who listen to gantgsa rap and gun down classmates at school? Just wondering .... Bozo may be another endangered old circus item ... speaking of which ..

In a Pickle. Whatever became of the Pickle Family Circus? It slithered away like an old fading soldier. Not even their annual stint in SF last Holiday. Inside sources tell me their latest executive director kind of lost a certain amount of money ... Is that why this elusive organization (can you spell elitist?) charges their “Clown Conservatory” students eight thousand five hundred dollars for one year of comedic matriculation? ... And who are these people, anyway? While researching my book Fall of the Big Top, I had wanted to visit their premises and conduct some interviews. Was also trying to contact Larry Pisoni and Peggy Snider, co-founders of the once modestly thriving and very collective-oriented real PFC. All my e-mails and phone messages over there were ignored. By luck, I reached Larry through a Seattle source. Heck, it was far easier to break through into the Soviet Union in1979, where I did research for another book, than to get a peep out of the new or revised or recycled or rebirthed Pickles.

Cry, Clown, Cry. And chill out, pampered San Francisco Zoo tiger.